You pay WHAT for your phone bill???

What is it with these phone companies?  I have been with the same one for 12 years and now I am going to leave them....it's just too easy to do the prepaid thing with Boost or somebody...I can take my phone number, and for cheaper, I get more...why wouldn't everybody change?  I think that is the phone companies' goal, since they own all the prepaid companies as well as the so-called contract plans.  It's too much of a hassle for them to manage the contract lines and they want us all to switch over.
Sprint owns Boost, AT&T, Verizon and Virgin all have both kinds of services....think about it and mark my words...that is what they want. 

Suicide: Let's Talk About It - HealthyPlace

Suicide: Let's Talk About It - HealthyPlace

Southern Revivals: Full Room Furniture Revival - Reveal Part 1

Southern Revivals: Full Room Furniture Revival - Reveal Part 1: she has so many cute ideas!!  Can't wait to try!

Ramble on

That's it, I'm manic again.  I can't eat and I can't "do"...I feel retarded and wonder why people aren't nicer to me.  I seem to fall apart publicly and this time I'm gonna own it.  I haven't taken my meds in two days.  Before then it was sporadic, at best, on when I would remember.  I resent having to take them everyday.  Who wants to admit that they're defective?  Doin something about it is the easier part there...sayin, "here's my defect", now that sucks.  My last week has been kinda like one giant get down fest on myself...and not because I wanted to.  I had to.  Have to admit what is wrong so that I can fix it....when your car is broken, you can't fix it until you know what it is.  Same with personal growth. 

Confessions of my ADHD, or is it?

Before meds, I was a wreck (I still am, but not because of the ADHD, LOL).  I had debilitating anxiety, the anticipatory kind.  I hardly ever left the house and could never "finish" anything at home...I always felt like I wasn't doing something...and if I was, it wasn't "right".  Not being medicated regularly for the past few days has me feeling that way, again.  I don't know what to do. 

Actually, I don't know how to make myself do it...

Certain media outlets, and others, leave me feeling like my "good enough", is not good enough.  My house upkeep is not good enough. How many times I feed my kids, per day, is not enough.  I cannot concentrate, enough.  I don't listen, enough.  I don't say, enough.  I feel scared.  And incapable.  I am irresponsible.  And lazy.  I drink too much caffeine.  I don't take my meds regularly and I really fall apart.  Just realizing this after a few days of a sporadic discipline, that and I'm kinda manic...

I mean, what is wrong with me?  Something, obviously.  And with 90% of the population.  Google it, if you don't believe me.  If there is "nothing" wrong with you then you're either abnormal or lying.  And most of you are lying.  There's shyt wrong with all of us...but there's only a handful of us in any crowd willing to take an honest look at ourselves.  The rest of the population blame and make excuses and ignore.  I am who I am, like me or not...but don't judge me, it's not nice.

Responsibility

Responsibility is the ability to respond appropriately.  Within that definition, we can all see how we have responded appropriately or inappropriately in certain situations.  No one is perfect.  We cannot always do the right thing or say the right thing.  

But, what does it mean when someone tells you that they no longer want to be responsible for your feelings?  Can someone "make" you feel?  Do you feel a certain way based on how someone talks to you or treats you?  The short answer, "yes".  If someone talks quietly and  in a caring manner, I feel cared about.  If someone shouts at me, I feel scared and less of a person.  If someone ignores me, I feel lonely.  

How, then, can someone remove their responsibility for how you feel around them?  Basically, they tell you that they don't want to be involved with you in any way.  This would be the responsible action to take in order to end a relationship.  This has partly happened in my relationship.  He no longer wants the responsibility of how he "makes" me feel.   He does not want to take his part in the failure of this relationship, and there is nothing I can do about this.  He has never been willing to look at his part, instead, always pointing out my defects and problems.  I guess this is a way to save his ego....meanwhile, I have to pick up the pieces of my sad and lonely life.  Sad, because I feel like a special person that has never been recognized as such.  Lonely, because I have wasted so much time waiting around, that my prince has come and gone more than a few times.  The responsible thing for me to do?  When you figure that out, let me know.

Me v. Others

Instead of asking, "What is wrong with you?"  Why don't more people ask themselves, "Where am I at fault?"  Being in a recovery program, I have asked myself  that.  I have control issues, I sometimes can't help but lie, I am a bit selfish.  These are things I have discovered about myself, on my own with the guidance of a sponsor.  I have fears and resentments, too.  I would say, that right now my biggest resentment is against people that want to pick apart my program yet won't work their own.  The world and society in general, would benefit greatly if everyone took a good, long look at themselves and then tried to correct their own problems.  Futility is trying to get others to do what you want them to...and I get the paradox, I want it both ways...so what am I to do?  How do I treat others with respect when they are self-sick and won't take the necessary actions to heal?  How?  Live my life as an example and be the best person that I can be, someone my kids can look up to.  Blessed be.

The Fox

Just now, as I was walking the dogs, a fox followed me around the block.  It was only 10-25 feet away from me the entire time.  It seemed timid, as wildlife will...but seemed to also know that he could trust me.  The fox almost followed me all the way home but was startled by the neighbors....we put some stinky, smelly catfood out for him.  Hopefully he eats it, skinny as he was.

I have always known that a fox is on my animal totem....but it wasn't until I saw this little thing did I understand what it meant. 

I am reminded what a mystical creature the fox is.  It guides those, wishing to go, to the fairy realm.  It escorts the deceased to the other side.  It exists between light and dark, in the twilight.

"Stealthy messenger of the gods,
Cunning and wise, reliable friend,
Guide my steps through this maze of deception
And see this problem to its end."

I am a fortunate and special kind of person to have been blessed with the "friendly to animals" position in life.  They seem to intuitively know that I offer safety and a food source.  My son has been blessed with this gift as well...

Find your peace with nature, for it depends on us as much as we depend on it.  The two are inseparable. 

Perspective vs. Reality

the free dictionary by Farlex defines perspective in this way...

1. n.

a. A view or vista.

b. A mental view or outlook: "It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present"(Fabian Linden).

2. The appearance of objects in depth as perceived by normal binocular vision.

3.

a. The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole: a perspective of history; a need to view the problem in the proper perspective.

b. Subjective evaluation of relative significance; a point of view: the perspective of the displaced homemaker.

c. The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance: tried to keep my perspective throughout the crisis.

4. The technique of representing three-dimensional objects and depth relationships on a two-dimensional surface.

adj.

Of, relating to, seen, or represented in perspective.

---

[Middle English, science of optics (influenced by French perspective, perspective), from Medieval Latin perspectva (ars), feminine of perspectvus, optical, from perspectus, past participle of perspicere, to inspect : per-,per- + specere, to look; see spek- in Indo-European roots.]

---

per·spectiv·al adj.

per·spective·ly adv.

and reality in this way...

n. pl. re·al·i·ties

1. The quality or state of being actual or true.

2. One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual: "the weight of history and political realities" (Benno C. Schmidt, Jr.)

3. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.

4. That which exists objectively and in fact: Your observations do not seem to be about reality.

adj.

Relating to or being a genre of television or film in which a storyline is created by editing footage of people interacting or competing with one another in unscripted, unrehearsed situations.

Idiom:

in reality

In fact; actually.

...but I heard an intriguing thought about perspective, which has had me thinking for a few days. 

"If what you perceive isn't real, what IS reality?"

When people around me start talking crazy...I perceive a personal attack.  But, is that what is really happening?  Is the person trying to be purposefully "mean", or is that just where the poor soul is "stuck"?  Pointing out others' defects because they are not courageous enough to look at themselves, a kind of  avoidance, if you will.

Three of us were having photos taken, this last week, while on vacation.  All three of us had different perspectives on the moment.  I felt kinda awkward and self conscious.  I am fairly confident that no one else there knew that I was having those feelings.  All the while, I also felt like I was connecting with those other women.  We had something in common in the photographs... certainly, that we were all wearing the same shirts made us companions of a sort.  But that wasn't all.  There was a perceived feeling of connection between us.  A kind of sisterhood.

 

If what we perceive is just an opinion, then what IS real?  Our feelings are real.  Our words are real.  Our lives are real.  Our need for food and water is definitely real.  So then, what is reality?  Is reality what I think is happening, or is that a perception?  Was it really raining on my head today?  Are there two dogs that want to be walked, lying at my feet?  Do I really have several children and a messy house, or are those things perceived? 

Sorry to go there, but what if The Matrix was closer to reality than we can ever imagine?  They say life imitates art...or is it art that imitates life?

Peace is Contagious

There is this saying about how to spread peace.  It starts with one person, they say kind words to another person.  That person that was spoken to goes down the block and speaks kindly to another.  That third person takes the kindness to another county and shares with someone there.  That someone happens to travel to another state...then to another country, then to another continent...meanwhile, all persons that have been spreading peace are joined by the people they have spread peace to...and soon you have an epidemic!  

War is not the will of some higher power...it is the selfish will of man.

Serenity Now

So this is what I figured out about Serenity.  We all have it within us, some of us choose to keep our serenity and some of us end up giving it away.  We cannot give other people serenity.  They must find their own within themselves.  It is there.  We all have it.  It is sacred and special.  It belongs to us, given by some kind of higher power.  We can choose to live a drama-free life, looking for ways to bring joy to others, making yourself available for family and friends, saying something nice to the next person in line at the check-out...

When we choose to live with serenity, we choose one love and eternial peace.