Depression

http://www.changeisgood.org/depression_resentment.htm
Depression.  It sucks.  Like a naughty little monkey, it calls out to you and annoys the psyche...saying things that aren't true, but makes you wonder...maybe they are true.  Maybe you really are that fucked up.
     But, you're not really.  You ARE a good person.  A good person that suffers from a few diseases.  Terminal, chronic, debilitating.  Drag myself here, drag myself there....as I feel overwhelmed and unable and disabled and!!!  It's TOO MUCH!
Who wants someone that is this fucked up?  I feel unlovable and then am told it's because I don't love.  But, I do love.  As much as I can, anyway.  Am I not enough?  Don't I deserve to be happy by now?  Why am I not?  Because I do not have control of my own life.  I gave away my power a long time ago and now I don't even know where to look for it.  +Joyce Meyer Ministries says on her calender for January, I must have a positive attitude and then I have power over my circumstances.  I don't know if I can do that.

You pay WHAT for your phone bill???

What is it with these phone companies?  I have been with the same one for 12 years and now I am going to leave them....it's just too easy to do the prepaid thing with Boost or somebody...I can take my phone number, and for cheaper, I get more...why wouldn't everybody change?  I think that is the phone companies' goal, since they own all the prepaid companies as well as the so-called contract plans.  It's too much of a hassle for them to manage the contract lines and they want us all to switch over.
Sprint owns Boost, AT&T, Verizon and Virgin all have both kinds of services....think about it and mark my words...that is what they want. 

Suicide: Let's Talk About It - HealthyPlace

Suicide: Let's Talk About It - HealthyPlace

Southern Revivals: Full Room Furniture Revival - Reveal Part 1

Southern Revivals: Full Room Furniture Revival - Reveal Part 1: she has so many cute ideas!!  Can't wait to try!

Ramble on

That's it, I'm manic again.  I can't eat and I can't "do"...I feel retarded and wonder why people aren't nicer to me.  I seem to fall apart publicly and this time I'm gonna own it.  I haven't taken my meds in two days.  Before then it was sporadic, at best, on when I would remember.  I resent having to take them everyday.  Who wants to admit that they're defective?  Doin something about it is the easier part there...sayin, "here's my defect", now that sucks.  My last week has been kinda like one giant get down fest on myself...and not because I wanted to.  I had to.  Have to admit what is wrong so that I can fix it....when your car is broken, you can't fix it until you know what it is.  Same with personal growth. 

Confessions of my ADHD, or is it?

Before meds, I was a wreck (I still am, but not because of the ADHD, LOL).  I had debilitating anxiety, the anticipatory kind.  I hardly ever left the house and could never "finish" anything at home...I always felt like I wasn't doing something...and if I was, it wasn't "right".  Not being medicated regularly for the past few days has me feeling that way, again.  I don't know what to do. 

Actually, I don't know how to make myself do it...

Certain media outlets, and others, leave me feeling like my "good enough", is not good enough.  My house upkeep is not good enough. How many times I feed my kids, per day, is not enough.  I cannot concentrate, enough.  I don't listen, enough.  I don't say, enough.  I feel scared.  And incapable.  I am irresponsible.  And lazy.  I drink too much caffeine.  I don't take my meds regularly and I really fall apart.  Just realizing this after a few days of a sporadic discipline, that and I'm kinda manic...

I mean, what is wrong with me?  Something, obviously.  And with 90% of the population.  Google it, if you don't believe me.  If there is "nothing" wrong with you then you're either abnormal or lying.  And most of you are lying.  There's shyt wrong with all of us...but there's only a handful of us in any crowd willing to take an honest look at ourselves.  The rest of the population blame and make excuses and ignore.  I am who I am, like me or not...but don't judge me, it's not nice.

Responsibility

Responsibility is the ability to respond appropriately.  Within that definition, we can all see how we have responded appropriately or inappropriately in certain situations.  No one is perfect.  We cannot always do the right thing or say the right thing.  

But, what does it mean when someone tells you that they no longer want to be responsible for your feelings?  Can someone "make" you feel?  Do you feel a certain way based on how someone talks to you or treats you?  The short answer, "yes".  If someone talks quietly and  in a caring manner, I feel cared about.  If someone shouts at me, I feel scared and less of a person.  If someone ignores me, I feel lonely.  

How, then, can someone remove their responsibility for how you feel around them?  Basically, they tell you that they don't want to be involved with you in any way.  This would be the responsible action to take in order to end a relationship.  This has partly happened in my relationship.  He no longer wants the responsibility of how he "makes" me feel.   He does not want to take his part in the failure of this relationship, and there is nothing I can do about this.  He has never been willing to look at his part, instead, always pointing out my defects and problems.  I guess this is a way to save his ego....meanwhile, I have to pick up the pieces of my sad and lonely life.  Sad, because I feel like a special person that has never been recognized as such.  Lonely, because I have wasted so much time waiting around, that my prince has come and gone more than a few times.  The responsible thing for me to do?  When you figure that out, let me know.